Don't feel obliged to read this post. It's just, well, I have no one else to tell really. And somehow, writing it here, it seems like there is someone listening. Probably there isn't, but it's a precious illusion. A beautiful illlusion. And a necessary one.
I have not felt much like blogging recently.
The truth is, I started this blog as a journal of my efforts to recovery from a long and painful sickness during which time only books, God and my husband were my only true and effective medicine. Opening a tiny window to the world seemed a good idea in the middle of closing myself up and hugging my pain to myself.
Lately, it seems to be returning like an unwelcome guest who forces his way into the most private and treasured room of your home. I don't think there is anything I can do to stop it.
I have been so much ashamed of this sickness, of this thing happening to me, that I have kept it hidden inside me for so long, I think it may have started to become a poison.
Sometimes it feels like God isn't even listening.
I know He's there and I can't stop loving Him even if I wanted to, but where is He already?
Anyway, it turns out I was a lot better than I knew.
Have you ever felt this way? Something disastrous happens and you realize how well off you were until then, only you had taken it for granted.
Now, let's see if I can get out of this alive.